Adult Nintendo Games - Sacrifice
quality...for porn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Even before the simplicity of bootlegging video games that came on a CD, the days of the original Nintendo weren't without some chicanery. Now, it wasn't easy to just create a bootleg version of a game...at least not until emulators became a popular and legally overlooked commonplace on the internet. But people had to find something illegal to do back then, so they decided to make unlicensed adult Nintendo games.

'Unlicensed' can have a few meanings, but in this case, I'm talking about games produced on a somewhat small scale that were available on the video game black market. You couldn't land these at Toys R'Us or Funcoland, & KB Toys, But if you ever tried taking a shortcut home through a dark moist smelly alley, chances are some guy would flash you these games hidden under his trenchcoat.

Since these games weren't 'official', their creators often took a lot of liberties in the content department. Now, Nintendo games already displayed violence and absurdity left and right, so it looked like the only outlet people could find was pornography. And it's a good thing they did because these games would really suck if not for the nude babes and stuff.

With that, brace yourselves for...

The ADULT Nintendo Games

Yes, perverted dads, these were for you. After little Johnny went to sleep snuggling next to his My Buddy doll, you could run downstairs and pop one of these adult games you got from your lock up safe & pop it into the NES and escape into the world of sheer, We hope you didn't take the money out of your son college funds to buy these, you sick pup! pixelated decadence. Now, the games we're going to take a look at are pretty simplistic. There's really no reason for there to be breast thrown into the mix, but let's face it. Chances are better that people will buy a shitty game with breasts than just a shitty game. The same formula is used in all walks of life...popular music, movies, television....so why not Nintendo?

Let's take a look at three of them. I'm sure there are others, unfortunately, these were the only ones I could find.

Bubble Bath Babes!:

Consider this game reverse Tetris with a twist. If you do well, you're not gonna just hear some strange music while a rocket blows off into space. No, in Bubble Bath Babes, your reward will be a poorly rendered nude woman!

I think the game itself is pretty good. Your goal is to get four bubbles of the same color next to each other, which causes them to pop. If you do this long enough, you'll spell out the girl's name and win the round. Seems like a lot of work for a still picture of cartoon porn, but luckily the game isn't that bad as it is.

Since the reward of a nude girl is so high up on the meter, there really wasn't much reason to make you proud of your gaming skills via text. Having the game tell you 'Good' is about the best it'll get. No, not 'You did good!' or 'Good job!'....just 'good'. Oh well. It reminds me of Dr. Mario, but I'd rather see naked girls than Mario in a lab coat any day.

Hot Slot:

Good luck with this one, I couldn't figure it out for the life of me. It took me about five minutes to get the game to start, seeing as how they repeatedly ask you to make a bet even though you don't have any money yet. I didn't quite get it, but maybe it was a warning signal to stop playing right there since the game itself is pretty impossible.

The object of the game doesn't involve too much strategy. The more you win, the more naked some chick will become. Unfortunately, the win/lose ratio is way off balance, so by the time you see any skin, you'll be too old to remember why it's enticing to begin with.

This one was made in 1991, which I guess was a bad year. After all, that's the year Blossom and the Samurai Pizza Cats embarked on their mission to annoy the Earth. But if you're feeling lucky, extremely lucky, you can download the Hot Slots game by right-clicking here and saving it to your emulation directory.

Peek-A-Boo Poker!:

Let me tell you, this 'Full House Francine' chick is a lot more than a big chest. She's got some of the best poker skills I've ever seen. I played this one for about 20 minutes, and I got absolutely no reward of nudity to show for it.

The deal here is simple...play poker. Win enough, and they'll start losing clothes. Hmmm. Seems like all of these adult games have the same plot. It'd be much cooler if you could have naked chicks jumping on turtles and breaking bricks with their fists, but then again, that wouldn't be all that demure.

Okay, I just played the game again, and I've realized the trick. If you get anything, even a pair of twos, bet as much as you can, since nobody ever has anything. Francine will raise five times with a Jack high, trust me. Really makes you wonder how much was spent putting this game together, there doesn't seem to be any indication that this is poker. You get pairs once every 20 hands, so basically you're just trying to keep your highest card. Stupid game. that you know, & I know...nude babes.
Bootleg Pokemon Games

Bootleg Pokemon Games
Fake Pokemon Games To?!

Word of warning on buying Pokemon games: If you don't see a game in a 'real' store (like Wal-Mart, Target, etc) it's probably fake.
Make sure the plastic on the cartridge says "Game Boy" and not "Game".
Anything you see only on Ebay is probably fake - not a "super amazing Japanese import".
Make sure the "Only for Game Boy" text is correct: R/B/Y/G/S worked for regular GB, but Crystal was GB Color only.
When in doubt, check Nintendo's official websites like pokemon.com and pokemon-games.com to check.

 

Pocket Monsters Go! Go!:

One of the few advantages to living in El Paso, TX is that the downtown shops are full of treasures you'd never believe. Some call this the "gray market" as in "not quite the black market but close". You'll find all kinds of bootleg merchandise here, including ripoff Shrek dolls (called "Monster"), cheaply Barbie dolls, and best of all, bootleg GameBoy games. Locked in a glass case at the front counter in one shop was a stack of 'combo' games, meaning each cartridge contained several games on each. Authentic GB games never do this (tipoff #1). Tipoff #2 came from the system description: the box read GameBoy Color Advance USA. I'll say that again. GameBoy Color Advance USA.

One of the cartridges claimed to contain the legendary Pocket Monsters Go! Go! game, something I'd only read about in gaming magazines. This game isn't too bad to play. I've got the ROM, and I've played it a few times. This is a platformer game starring Pikachu. Our friendly electric rat has to battle against the evil Bellsprouts and Meowths, collecting lightning bolts to increase his jumping power. Pikachu can ride inside a bubble, climb spinning poles, and swing from posts to reach higher platforms. These actual cartridge games were priced at $80 each, so I didn't satisfy my curiosity and buy one. Mama didn't raise no fool.

The truth behind Go Go!: one of the magazine writers, upon examining Go! Go!'s code, discovered that this game was a well-executed version of an old Smurfs game that came out for GameBoy a long time ago. The graphics were changed into Pokemon instead of Smurfs. This game's decent, although I've never invested too much time in it. There are some... odd things about this game though, particularly the intro speech by Meowth that seems to quote Celine Dion's Titanic song. The reprogrammers didn't change all the game's aspects to Pokemon, though. There is a reference to sasparilla leaves (not lightning bolts) that will enable you to jump higher. There is also an enemy creature that is very un-Pokemon. I think it looks like a bouncing ribeye steak. Maybe it's an Unown that let itself go.

The game's really not bad, if you can get past Pikachu's plodding pace. The little rat obviously hasn't learned "Quick Attack" yet, and the game just drags on as you slowly walk from place to place. There isn't even a "run" button. Would probably be more fun on a GameBoy than an emulator, but not $80 worth of fun.

Box Bootleg Tipoffs:

    No Pokemon - Gotta Catch 'Em All! logo.
    "Pocket Monsters" usually denotes a bootleg.
    Isn't the ESRB usually in the corner? And the Seal of Quality only should appear on the back of the box.
    What does the back of the box look like?
    Where's the ONLY FOR GB COLOR teaser? Pokemon is 1st party software.

Pokemon Adventure:

This was another game featured on one of the bootleg combo games at the "gray market". When you load it up (on the ROM, at least), you are treated to screens of G/S Pokedex entries entirely in Japanese. The level start screen has a picture of "Kevin Gold", the G/S hero. This suggests that this game was made (er, bootlegged) when G/S was new in Japan.

Donkey Kong's Evil Brother Crazy Kong

 

CRAZY KONG:

Now here's a fun one: Crazy Kong (itself a Donkey Kong bootleg) running on Scramble hardware. There's a fine old saying amongst long-term MAME freaks: "Anything can be hacked to run on Scramble hardware." Here's proof. Why someone would bootleg a bootleg and hack it to run on an alien (but admittedly not *totally* unrelated) platform is beyond me. But the one thing that really sets this game apart is the quality of the hack, which is actually pretty good. Apart from the fact that Kong's turquoise, Pauline's skin is green, and the fireballs are yellow (depending on the level), you could be forgiven for thinking you were playing the real thing. Hell, this version even gives you background music, which is more than Nintendo did.